My heart and my mind are conflicting again. My calling has me fighting an inner battle. I want to do my calling with all my heart, to give of myself freely in serving. But things have happened where I have questioned my willingness to serve.

For instance, a new SA rep has been called. Great I can stop going to the meetings and doing some much for the single adults whom should be doing things for themselves. But I need to stay in contact with this rep to make sure all is well, to help with assignments our ward may be given and just give support. Unfortunately the new rep and I have been in a calling together before and things did not go well. Me overseeing him did not go well at all. So bad that he demanded to be released. Long story and so many details, makes my stomach do flips every time I think of it. I wish I had handled it differently but in the moment it was all I could do. And now I am overseeing him again. First reaction was shock. Wow, does he know we have to have contact? Does the bishop realize or remember how hard this will be for both of us?

Knowing that others have turned this position down I felt and still feel this calling was issued as a result of a need not inspiration. Got to thinking during class today, maybe he was called through inspiration. Maybe Heavenly Father felt this was another chance for us to make things right. At the same time my head thinks, if my Heavenly Father loves me so much why would he put me through this again? Why? My heart seems to stop at the thought of having to talk to him. My mind, and my husband, say let someone else deal with this. I need to do my calling, but why would I again be put into a position in which I would be wounded. He hurt my deeply the first time. I have forgiven him. I have been in the same temple session with him and I know that I would be able to be in the prayer circle with him, but I am unable to forget the action and tremble that I may have to go thru the sorrow again.

He made it so it would of been easy to walk away from my previous calling to even walk away from the church. My testimony is strong. I need my Savior! I need the sacrament! I need to insight I receive from the lessons each week! The gospel is true no matter what the people may do.

So I am in turmoil about what to do. I will pray, pray and pray that I will be guided.

Joy, I know the gospel is true!