Below is a comment to a friend's blog I made: "As I was reading your thoughts I felt them as true to myself as they are to you. I have been struggling with validating myself...trying not to need others to do that for me. Why do other's opinions of us matter so much? I would love and look forward to the day where I am totally happy with myself. I just have to remember I am amazing! I am amazaing even when the day does not go perfect."

We function in our own little world and don't seem to notice others around. We are all having experiences that are not only for our learning but for others to learn from.

Why do we seem to retreat to our own little world rather than experience life with others who are around us and love us?

I was able to experience some joy today...actually I was able to experience it twice that I was able to fully acknowledge at the time. I had a wonderful experience with my husband this morning even thou we were experiencing a very scary moment. The joy was in the trust that is between the two of us. Knowing that we can depend on one another to get us thru....

Being in the Relief Society presidency is not something I ever thought would be a calling that would come to me. I struggle with myself sometimes that I am called to lead when I don't feel worthy or ideal for the position. We have the most spiritual presidency meetings! These two hours we spend together a week is one of the most spiritual uplifting. Heavenly Father knew I would need these two hours to fill my bucket and lift me. These sisters have been a great support and blessing to me the past year and a half. Thank you Heavenly Father for the calling!

I have been concentrating on the wrong things this summer. I have been so wanting to get so many things done this summer that I have forgotten to have fun and enjoy the moments with my kids. My joy came in finishing projects around the house and not in filling my kids buckets of love. (In typing this I just got an idea for a family home evening that may fill all our buckets).

How could I have been so misguided. I realize things need to be done. But I feel there is a but there. All in moderation. My focus is off. My priorities need to be Christ centered. My children need to understand that things are done around the house because of our love for each other. And working together brings us closer together.

I have also noticed that I experience my joy through my kids accomplishments/activities. That is a good joy to have but I need to find joy in my living, in my experiences. I need to let my kids see me experiencing joy. That I love my life. That I love my Savior. That I love the blessings the Lord has given me/us. That I cherish my testimony and the things I do only build and make my testimony strong.

I need to share the joy I feel. First I need to recognize that joy, and enjoy those moments that it is truely present.

Journey of joy is continuing even if I am unaware of it. I have felt very blessed that we have been surviving what I felt would be an awful storm for our family. My knot is finally gone, but I now worry of the new journey I am about to start. Counting my blessings everyday!

Joy I found in being complimented!

Joy found in visiting sisters of our ward. We all get so bogged down with what is going on in our lives that we forget our friends/sisters out there want so much to be apart of our life.

Joy is having the internet working again!

My heart and my mind are conflicting again. My calling has me fighting an inner battle. I want to do my calling with all my heart, to give of myself freely in serving. But things have happened where I have questioned my willingness to serve.

For instance, a new SA rep has been called. Great I can stop going to the meetings and doing some much for the single adults whom should be doing things for themselves. But I need to stay in contact with this rep to make sure all is well, to help with assignments our ward may be given and just give support. Unfortunately the new rep and I have been in a calling together before and things did not go well. Me overseeing him did not go well at all. So bad that he demanded to be released. Long story and so many details, makes my stomach do flips every time I think of it. I wish I had handled it differently but in the moment it was all I could do. And now I am overseeing him again. First reaction was shock. Wow, does he know we have to have contact? Does the bishop realize or remember how hard this will be for both of us?

Knowing that others have turned this position down I felt and still feel this calling was issued as a result of a need not inspiration. Got to thinking during class today, maybe he was called through inspiration. Maybe Heavenly Father felt this was another chance for us to make things right. At the same time my head thinks, if my Heavenly Father loves me so much why would he put me through this again? Why? My heart seems to stop at the thought of having to talk to him. My mind, and my husband, say let someone else deal with this. I need to do my calling, but why would I again be put into a position in which I would be wounded. He hurt my deeply the first time. I have forgiven him. I have been in the same temple session with him and I know that I would be able to be in the prayer circle with him, but I am unable to forget the action and tremble that I may have to go thru the sorrow again.

He made it so it would of been easy to walk away from my previous calling to even walk away from the church. My testimony is strong. I need my Savior! I need the sacrament! I need to insight I receive from the lessons each week! The gospel is true no matter what the people may do.

So I am in turmoil about what to do. I will pray, pray and pray that I will be guided.

Joy, I know the gospel is true!

Even though I have not posted I have thought of joy. What today brought me joy?

Friday - being able to witness the smile on Tracey's face as she finished her season with a PR of 88.9. She made it to districts this year, which is a great accomplishment especially since she has been struggling with her throwing. To end her season ranked 10th in the district and with a PR, she was beaming and so was I. Meg, as angry as she was about going to the meet, also beamed with pride for her sister. To see her support and show love for Tracey was a joy to watch. Steven, I got to watch him play a game finally. He was playing down the street from districts (what are the odds). To see him play with such passion is a joy. He seems so comfortable on the court and I do have to say some of the times he does amazing things. To hug me in front of others, because I had come - pure joy!

Saturday- joy of being with family. At times I complain about the weekly dinners but I must confess the bond of family is strong and the fact we like being with one another is a joy!

Life has seemed so overwhelming lately. Started to make a weekly to do list, thinking this would help me accomplish all those things that need to be done. I just noticed though that there is nothing on that list that is for me. The times I do sit down and do something for me I begin to feel guilty that so many things are still on my list. Maybe I will add the things for me on the list and then I can happily cross them off.

With life being so overwhelming I have been just going and not finding my joy. My journey to find that joy has seemed to have taken a rest be the road side, but has yet to find the energy to get back up and continue. New goal...I have to post daily...even if it is a line. I have to find joy in my day! Otherwise I am just doing. I need to find the joy and happiness in being who I am. I need to be happy that as Mr. Roger's said, "You are enough. In this moment you are just fine being who you are."

We talk of the trials and tribulations that we are given. I know deep down they are strengthening opportunities. I know that my life right now is all I could handle, that I would not be me with another's trails. But did I really choose this. And at the same time my brain says your problems are so small compared to....I need to grow, find strength and find the happiness in being me.

Mary Oliver, in one poem called "Sometimes" she writes:

Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

I wanted to post this to remember. Thanks Kim!

I have lost my joy. I feel like I am dog paddling so hard but am not getting anywhere. Am I drowning? Meg and I seem to constantly be in battle. This morning I am sitting here crying my eyes out because I don't want to be mad at her, I do not constantly want anger in my heart towards her. I had to remind her this morning that I am the parent, Heavenly Father has given me that privilege and you get to do things just because I said so and there is no debate. Like eating breakfast, dressing warm...not options to discuss. I feel like we are in a constant battle against one another and I am losing terribly.

My other great loss of joy at this moment is in my husband. We began to discuss things in depth last night, some feelings I was having. He has no goals, purpose to his life...he is just living each day. After some frustration he did realize that we as a couple do need to talk things out, have a game plan, have a purpose to why. He was and still is not worried about his pay cut and yet I struggle with it daily. He seems more at peace but yet I am constantly worrying. I want him to be more. I want him to want to be more. In ten years where will we be as a couple. I want him to think of more than day to day, ten years from now, how about after this life. I guess my JOY is that I know , I do not doubt my testimony. But my joy seems incomplete because my husband will not be with me for eternity. I know I made that choice but I didn't realize it would be so difficult. I will do everything I can to make sure that I return to my Father in Heaven and that our children will have that same desire and testimony.

Yesterday - JOY is being handed gifts from my loving Heavenly Father. I was feeling very sad yesterday. Broke down in tears after dropping hubby off at work. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father on the way home to help this overwhelming sadness leave me. Felt I was unable to cope with sadness anymore. Heavenly Father then proceeded to hand me gifts during the day that made my smile. I am blessed that I know my Heavenly Father truely loves me and hears me.

TODAY - Had a nervous feeling in stomach all morning...could never really figure out why.

JOY is I have my van back. Poor thing was a little under-the-weather. Repairs are done but took a hit to the pocketbook. It is amazing how much I rely on our second vehicle. Life was a little extra full with the use of only one vehicle for three days. I feel blessed to be able to have a second vehicle. May my van and I continue to have a wonderful working relationship for a long time :)

Hate being mad at my hubby..sometimes though...I seem to be becoming easily frustrated when I don't understand. My frustration seems to be in overload when I am exhausted. I seem to be tired all the time. What is going to happen when I start working more hours. Exercise? Eating better? More scripture study? Need something!

Thinking real hard of some moment of JOY I had today. Playing game with kids at Gma's today, even though I lost it was a JOY to listen to my kids laugh.

I went and saw my grandma today. I feel for her. Her body is so old and failing her but her stubbornness is in full speed as she hangs on fighting the whole way! That is one question I have, why do the elderly have to suffer so as their bodies fail them. How they must feel having others take care of their every need, even cleaning them. To even touch her hand hurts her. JOY is knowing she has angels watching over her. She has commented numerous times that she has seen them at the end of her bed. She has even asked about the children I have lost. She is pretty sure that one of her angels is our first child lost. I do love her and hate to see her in so much pain. She is a fighter. It was sadder though to see my grandfather give up his fight and starve himself.

Time seems to slips by...it has been a week since I last posted. I have been trudging through daily life feeling like a blah blob. I have just been going through this week with what appears to be no purpose. There is more to life than that, I know there is. Help me find it.

I smiled today - I have a follower :)

Yesterday was a day of peace. I have been blessed with a calm assurance that things will work out for the betterment of our family (is that even a word). I know that we are given trials, for our experience and gain. That these trials are no more than we can handle...even though at the onset of the trial it feels like too much to bear. I have done much pleading with my Heavenly Father in the past weeks. Pleading to make it through the trial/adventure we have been given. Pleading that I may feel the same calmness that my husband feels. Pleading to make the pit in my stomach go away. Pleading that my family will survive the cut backs and sacrifices we must make.

I am thankful for the JOY I have felt in just being with my family.

So the last couple of days have been emotionally draining. As a mom I would do anything for my kids, would defend them to the death. But would I be willing to confront another parent of a kid who has hurt mine? I was confronted yesterday and I felt attacked. Yes, my child made an error but so did the other. But yet I was attacked for not knowing everything, for not having what this parent felt was good communication with my kiddo, and not forcing things to be fixed between these two. I am thankful for family who let me vent out my frustration and let me talk my side out, because it definitely was not heard yesterday. I addressed this parent this morning. I am most thankful that I was prompted to see her immediately this morning, my Heavenly Father gave me a moment. I wish is was a moment of joy, but rather it was a moment in which I was able to defend my child and myself. I truely hope that this parent knows of the love we have for their family and that we are not the mean people she has made us out to be. We parent with love and understanding. We listen, ache, share joys and sorrows and then advise as needed. I can not force my child to make up with this girl, it needs to be from her heart!

My JOY is knowing I have a wonderful daughter and am so proud of her! She has made some bad choices that have caused some bad reactions, but she is a growing as a daughter of God who is learning and blooming beautifully.

How is it that I can days without posting? I have so much on my mind...I'm sure getting them out would of been therapeutic. I have the possibility of a new job coming up, working in a child care facility. I am excited! I can see myself working here many, many years. She did ask me what hours I would be available to work. What a blessing! I hope I am able to accomplish both working, supporting my family, being available as their mom, and taxi driver. The economy is scaring me, along with the fact that we just took a huge pay cut. May I find JOY in finding ways to cut our expenses and live simply in the moment.

Last couple of days have had this nagging feeling in my stomach. What other bad news are we about to receive? I do thank my Heavenly Father for the health of my family, for the roof over our head, for the talent my kids have been able to share, and many other blessings I am unable to see at this time. Trials are for our experience, deciding to learn from them is a choice. I hope I learn this lesson! Journey of JOY is knowing that my Heavenly Father trusts me to make it through this, that I have the strength to overcome, endure, appreciate and learn from this trial/experience.

Was able to travel to Walla Walla with my mom to see Tracey play. JOY was found in the ride with my mom. Had great conversation. I am thankful that my mom and I are able to enjoy time together.

Yesterday was able to work. JOY is that I am able to work. My body hurts, and I sweated but found pleasure in doing a job well done. I thank Heavenly Father daily that he allowed me to find a job that will help my family out some during this rough patch. May I continue to be blessed with hours that this bump in our financial situation will be but a small one.

Reading comments to "The 7 Wonders That Will Change Your Life" by Dr. Ablow and Glenn Beck and I am moved. I am frozen with fear at what is coming. My husband seems calm and yet my stomach is still turning at how we are going to make it. I am frozen! I have lost sight of God's hands. I need to pray for his continued guidance and reach for his hands, I must reach. I will find JOY in being who I was meant to be.

Found joy today in my adventure of getting a job after sixteen years out of work. It is my small feeble way of trying to help our family through this trying time. I seem to be the only one in this family that senses the trying time it will be. May I continue to see the Lord's hand in our life as we venture into this unknown. May our family grow together and find JOY in the simplifying of this new life.

Today's journey has me feeling a lot of anxiety. I have had for a few months an overwhelming feeling of dread. I have not known what this feeling was for, could not place it. Tonight it came to light. Tony has had some issues at work and tonight they released him from his manager's position. This includes a pay cut that has caused a serious knot in my stomach. He seems fine with this. Glad to not be manager as he realizes this was not a good position for him. He does not seem affected by the fact that this will have a severe impact on our finical situation. I'm in the process of finding work to help, been trying to do for months...now I feel in a panic to do so. JOY is that my husband feels happier about work.

As I was loading my dishwasher I begin to over-analyze myself. I went to lunch with a friend today, her invite :) and all I can think of was I a good friend or a total dork? Did I let her talk things out that she had wanted to share or did I steal the show? I need to learn to be still, not every moment needs to be filled with words. JOY in the moment of two friends share a quite afternoon out.

So today is the day I am beginning to find joy in my journey. At times along this journey I have felt unworthy. How is it that I was so valiant to be saved for this time here on earth? The journey at times seems so hard, full of many speed bumps and stop signs.

At present I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel there is so much I need to do to prepare myself and my family for our return to our eternal home. I feel at times as one of the five foolish virgins from the parable of the ten virgins. I have oil but not enough to last me until the time of his arrival.

So as my journey of joy begins I will take small steps. Steps that will increase my oil. Steps that I will find JOY in, even if sometimes it is a step in the mud!