Mary Oliver, in one poem called "Sometimes" she writes:

Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

I wanted to post this to remember. Thanks Kim!

I have lost my joy. I feel like I am dog paddling so hard but am not getting anywhere. Am I drowning? Meg and I seem to constantly be in battle. This morning I am sitting here crying my eyes out because I don't want to be mad at her, I do not constantly want anger in my heart towards her. I had to remind her this morning that I am the parent, Heavenly Father has given me that privilege and you get to do things just because I said so and there is no debate. Like eating breakfast, dressing warm...not options to discuss. I feel like we are in a constant battle against one another and I am losing terribly.

My other great loss of joy at this moment is in my husband. We began to discuss things in depth last night, some feelings I was having. He has no goals, purpose to his life...he is just living each day. After some frustration he did realize that we as a couple do need to talk things out, have a game plan, have a purpose to why. He was and still is not worried about his pay cut and yet I struggle with it daily. He seems more at peace but yet I am constantly worrying. I want him to be more. I want him to want to be more. In ten years where will we be as a couple. I want him to think of more than day to day, ten years from now, how about after this life. I guess my JOY is that I know , I do not doubt my testimony. But my joy seems incomplete because my husband will not be with me for eternity. I know I made that choice but I didn't realize it would be so difficult. I will do everything I can to make sure that I return to my Father in Heaven and that our children will have that same desire and testimony.

Yesterday - JOY is being handed gifts from my loving Heavenly Father. I was feeling very sad yesterday. Broke down in tears after dropping hubby off at work. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father on the way home to help this overwhelming sadness leave me. Felt I was unable to cope with sadness anymore. Heavenly Father then proceeded to hand me gifts during the day that made my smile. I am blessed that I know my Heavenly Father truely loves me and hears me.

TODAY - Had a nervous feeling in stomach all morning...could never really figure out why.

JOY is I have my van back. Poor thing was a little under-the-weather. Repairs are done but took a hit to the pocketbook. It is amazing how much I rely on our second vehicle. Life was a little extra full with the use of only one vehicle for three days. I feel blessed to be able to have a second vehicle. May my van and I continue to have a wonderful working relationship for a long time :)

Hate being mad at my hubby..sometimes though...I seem to be becoming easily frustrated when I don't understand. My frustration seems to be in overload when I am exhausted. I seem to be tired all the time. What is going to happen when I start working more hours. Exercise? Eating better? More scripture study? Need something!

Thinking real hard of some moment of JOY I had today. Playing game with kids at Gma's today, even though I lost it was a JOY to listen to my kids laugh.

I went and saw my grandma today. I feel for her. Her body is so old and failing her but her stubbornness is in full speed as she hangs on fighting the whole way! That is one question I have, why do the elderly have to suffer so as their bodies fail them. How they must feel having others take care of their every need, even cleaning them. To even touch her hand hurts her. JOY is knowing she has angels watching over her. She has commented numerous times that she has seen them at the end of her bed. She has even asked about the children I have lost. She is pretty sure that one of her angels is our first child lost. I do love her and hate to see her in so much pain. She is a fighter. It was sadder though to see my grandfather give up his fight and starve himself.

Time seems to slips by...it has been a week since I last posted. I have been trudging through daily life feeling like a blah blob. I have just been going through this week with what appears to be no purpose. There is more to life than that, I know there is. Help me find it.

I smiled today - I have a follower :)

Yesterday was a day of peace. I have been blessed with a calm assurance that things will work out for the betterment of our family (is that even a word). I know that we are given trials, for our experience and gain. That these trials are no more than we can handle...even though at the onset of the trial it feels like too much to bear. I have done much pleading with my Heavenly Father in the past weeks. Pleading to make it through the trial/adventure we have been given. Pleading that I may feel the same calmness that my husband feels. Pleading to make the pit in my stomach go away. Pleading that my family will survive the cut backs and sacrifices we must make.

I am thankful for the JOY I have felt in just being with my family.

So the last couple of days have been emotionally draining. As a mom I would do anything for my kids, would defend them to the death. But would I be willing to confront another parent of a kid who has hurt mine? I was confronted yesterday and I felt attacked. Yes, my child made an error but so did the other. But yet I was attacked for not knowing everything, for not having what this parent felt was good communication with my kiddo, and not forcing things to be fixed between these two. I am thankful for family who let me vent out my frustration and let me talk my side out, because it definitely was not heard yesterday. I addressed this parent this morning. I am most thankful that I was prompted to see her immediately this morning, my Heavenly Father gave me a moment. I wish is was a moment of joy, but rather it was a moment in which I was able to defend my child and myself. I truely hope that this parent knows of the love we have for their family and that we are not the mean people she has made us out to be. We parent with love and understanding. We listen, ache, share joys and sorrows and then advise as needed. I can not force my child to make up with this girl, it needs to be from her heart!

My JOY is knowing I have a wonderful daughter and am so proud of her! She has made some bad choices that have caused some bad reactions, but she is a growing as a daughter of God who is learning and blooming beautifully.