My heart and my mind are conflicting again. My calling has me fighting an inner battle. I want to do my calling with all my heart, to give of myself freely in serving. But things have happened where I have questioned my willingness to serve.

For instance, a new SA rep has been called. Great I can stop going to the meetings and doing some much for the single adults whom should be doing things for themselves. But I need to stay in contact with this rep to make sure all is well, to help with assignments our ward may be given and just give support. Unfortunately the new rep and I have been in a calling together before and things did not go well. Me overseeing him did not go well at all. So bad that he demanded to be released. Long story and so many details, makes my stomach do flips every time I think of it. I wish I had handled it differently but in the moment it was all I could do. And now I am overseeing him again. First reaction was shock. Wow, does he know we have to have contact? Does the bishop realize or remember how hard this will be for both of us?

Knowing that others have turned this position down I felt and still feel this calling was issued as a result of a need not inspiration. Got to thinking during class today, maybe he was called through inspiration. Maybe Heavenly Father felt this was another chance for us to make things right. At the same time my head thinks, if my Heavenly Father loves me so much why would he put me through this again? Why? My heart seems to stop at the thought of having to talk to him. My mind, and my husband, say let someone else deal with this. I need to do my calling, but why would I again be put into a position in which I would be wounded. He hurt my deeply the first time. I have forgiven him. I have been in the same temple session with him and I know that I would be able to be in the prayer circle with him, but I am unable to forget the action and tremble that I may have to go thru the sorrow again.

He made it so it would of been easy to walk away from my previous calling to even walk away from the church. My testimony is strong. I need my Savior! I need the sacrament! I need to insight I receive from the lessons each week! The gospel is true no matter what the people may do.

So I am in turmoil about what to do. I will pray, pray and pray that I will be guided.

Joy, I know the gospel is true!

Even though I have not posted I have thought of joy. What today brought me joy?

Friday - being able to witness the smile on Tracey's face as she finished her season with a PR of 88.9. She made it to districts this year, which is a great accomplishment especially since she has been struggling with her throwing. To end her season ranked 10th in the district and with a PR, she was beaming and so was I. Meg, as angry as she was about going to the meet, also beamed with pride for her sister. To see her support and show love for Tracey was a joy to watch. Steven, I got to watch him play a game finally. He was playing down the street from districts (what are the odds). To see him play with such passion is a joy. He seems so comfortable on the court and I do have to say some of the times he does amazing things. To hug me in front of others, because I had come - pure joy!

Saturday- joy of being with family. At times I complain about the weekly dinners but I must confess the bond of family is strong and the fact we like being with one another is a joy!

Life has seemed so overwhelming lately. Started to make a weekly to do list, thinking this would help me accomplish all those things that need to be done. I just noticed though that there is nothing on that list that is for me. The times I do sit down and do something for me I begin to feel guilty that so many things are still on my list. Maybe I will add the things for me on the list and then I can happily cross them off.

With life being so overwhelming I have been just going and not finding my joy. My journey to find that joy has seemed to have taken a rest be the road side, but has yet to find the energy to get back up and continue. New goal...I have to post daily...even if it is a line. I have to find joy in my day! Otherwise I am just doing. I need to find the joy and happiness in being who I am. I need to be happy that as Mr. Roger's said, "You are enough. In this moment you are just fine being who you are."

We talk of the trials and tribulations that we are given. I know deep down they are strengthening opportunities. I know that my life right now is all I could handle, that I would not be me with another's trails. But did I really choose this. And at the same time my brain says your problems are so small compared to....I need to grow, find strength and find the happiness in being me.

Mary Oliver, in one poem called "Sometimes" she writes:

Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

I wanted to post this to remember. Thanks Kim!

I have lost my joy. I feel like I am dog paddling so hard but am not getting anywhere. Am I drowning? Meg and I seem to constantly be in battle. This morning I am sitting here crying my eyes out because I don't want to be mad at her, I do not constantly want anger in my heart towards her. I had to remind her this morning that I am the parent, Heavenly Father has given me that privilege and you get to do things just because I said so and there is no debate. Like eating breakfast, dressing warm...not options to discuss. I feel like we are in a constant battle against one another and I am losing terribly.

My other great loss of joy at this moment is in my husband. We began to discuss things in depth last night, some feelings I was having. He has no goals, purpose to his life...he is just living each day. After some frustration he did realize that we as a couple do need to talk things out, have a game plan, have a purpose to why. He was and still is not worried about his pay cut and yet I struggle with it daily. He seems more at peace but yet I am constantly worrying. I want him to be more. I want him to want to be more. In ten years where will we be as a couple. I want him to think of more than day to day, ten years from now, how about after this life. I guess my JOY is that I know , I do not doubt my testimony. But my joy seems incomplete because my husband will not be with me for eternity. I know I made that choice but I didn't realize it would be so difficult. I will do everything I can to make sure that I return to my Father in Heaven and that our children will have that same desire and testimony.

Yesterday - JOY is being handed gifts from my loving Heavenly Father. I was feeling very sad yesterday. Broke down in tears after dropping hubby off at work. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father on the way home to help this overwhelming sadness leave me. Felt I was unable to cope with sadness anymore. Heavenly Father then proceeded to hand me gifts during the day that made my smile. I am blessed that I know my Heavenly Father truely loves me and hears me.

TODAY - Had a nervous feeling in stomach all morning...could never really figure out why.

JOY is I have my van back. Poor thing was a little under-the-weather. Repairs are done but took a hit to the pocketbook. It is amazing how much I rely on our second vehicle. Life was a little extra full with the use of only one vehicle for three days. I feel blessed to be able to have a second vehicle. May my van and I continue to have a wonderful working relationship for a long time :)

Hate being mad at my hubby..sometimes though...I seem to be becoming easily frustrated when I don't understand. My frustration seems to be in overload when I am exhausted. I seem to be tired all the time. What is going to happen when I start working more hours. Exercise? Eating better? More scripture study? Need something!

Thinking real hard of some moment of JOY I had today. Playing game with kids at Gma's today, even though I lost it was a JOY to listen to my kids laugh.