I have lost my joy. I feel like I am dog paddling so hard but am not getting anywhere. Am I drowning? Meg and I seem to constantly be in battle. This morning I am sitting here crying my eyes out because I don't want to be mad at her, I do not constantly want anger in my heart towards her. I had to remind her this morning that I am the parent, Heavenly Father has given me that privilege and you get to do things just because I said so and there is no debate. Like eating breakfast, dressing warm...not options to discuss. I feel like we are in a constant battle against one another and I am losing terribly.

My other great loss of joy at this moment is in my husband. We began to discuss things in depth last night, some feelings I was having. He has no goals, purpose to his life...he is just living each day. After some frustration he did realize that we as a couple do need to talk things out, have a game plan, have a purpose to why. He was and still is not worried about his pay cut and yet I struggle with it daily. He seems more at peace but yet I am constantly worrying. I want him to be more. I want him to want to be more. In ten years where will we be as a couple. I want him to think of more than day to day, ten years from now, how about after this life. I guess my JOY is that I know , I do not doubt my testimony. But my joy seems incomplete because my husband will not be with me for eternity. I know I made that choice but I didn't realize it would be so difficult. I will do everything I can to make sure that I return to my Father in Heaven and that our children will have that same desire and testimony.